As we are witnessing in so many aspects of life right now, and with everything that’s happening in the world, the old systems and constructs that have been at the bedrock of our culture for hundreds of years – are crumbling from underneath us.
We have long been existing inside of a culture and in a world that does not value human life. That is evidently clear with the latest course of events and what’s been being exposed and coming into the light.
And if we live in a world that doesn’t value human life, then by default, we also live in a world that doesn’t value the sanctity of marriage or the family unit.
One of the oldest constructs and programming of our culture that directly effects marriage today – that is crumbling down and longer serves us is: SEPARATISM.
Many of the marital problems that exist today are caused largely by the programming of separatism. From our gender, to our race, to our social class, to our credit scores, separatism has been deeply ingrained and programmed subconsciously into all of us from childhood. Not to mention most of us come from divorced households. We have been programmed to believe that separate is normal. Separate is a way of life. Separate is just the way of things. Separate is good.
When it comes to marriage and relationship, the problem with this is, we can’t ever be ONE with our partners when we see ourselves as separate from them, that everything is their fault, and come from the thought process of: “If only my PARTNER would change we could be happy.”
Separatism doesn’t work, and expecting your partner to be the one to change and be different doesn’t work either.
The new era in marriage that is being ushered in is: we are all “same as.” We are not better than our partner. We are not less than our partner. WE ARE THE SAME-AS our partner. In this brave new era of marriage, we recognize that we are all flawed human beings here to learn the lessons we came here to learn. We understand that we both have our own flavors of dysfunction that must be looked at, understood, and addressed. We recognize that we both have beliefs that hold us hostage in some areas of our lives that must be dismantled. We own that we both must learn to become whole human beings – meaning that we have explored ourselves deeply and have come to love and accept ourselves, inclusive of our shadow selves.
The new era of marriage means that two whole people who love themselves can come together, share their lives together, enhancing each other’s happiness, and grow together through any marital problems within a system made up of shared values, life dreams, and goals.
The new era of marriage means true intimacy through mutual cherishing, open and honest communication through vulnerability, and emotional connection.
This is a completely NEW relationship.
This is NOT the relationship of our parents and grandparents.
The “old way” of marriage that is crumbling away is the way of our grandparents and parents. It was a relationship based on companionability that was “suitable enough,” lifestyle, and social status.
But today, in marriage, conscious people want so much more from one another. We want long walks together on the beach, long talks that are vulnerable, productive, connective, and intimate. We want great sex 10, 20, 30, and 40 years into the marriage and beyond. We want a lifelong best friend. We want someone who wants to grow as a person alongside of us, someone who can be accountable and has a deep desire to develop themselves as a person. We want someone who wants to build a life with us based on a shared vision.
THIS IS A TOTALLY NEW RELATIONSHIP
This is a new era of relationship that requires a completely new and highly sophisticated set of skills that are simply not taught to us growing up at home, in school, or anywhere else.
Because again, the culture and world we have been living in doesn’t value marriage, intimacy, or family.
SO HERE WE ARE.
What does this new era of relationship require? What is the skillset that’s needed?
There are 5 main things you must begin to look at:
1. You must be willing to begin to look at yourself and witness yourself. You must begin to delve deep into your shadow side and your own flavors of dysfunction and actually address them in order to course correct. You must take personal responsibility for your own unhappiness and insecurities and stop making them about your partner.
2. You must begin to heal yourself, heal your traumas, reprogram, and reparent yourself – and learn a different way of Being. You must learn to love and forgive yourself – flaws and all. Understanding that we are all flawed human beings here learning our own lessons.
3. You must learn about healthy boundaries, how to establish them, and hold firm to them in your life. We teach people how to treat us by the boundaries we hold for ourselves and others outside of us.
4. You must decide to let go of the bad habits of deflection and resentment onto your partner. These are toxic, ingrained, programmed patterns of behavior that destroy marriages and families every day.
5. You must create a shared vision for your marriage based on your shared values, goals, and life dreams. Unless we have a North Star, we can never hit the target that we are aiming for. It’s like being a ship at sea with no rudder. It’s like having no destination at all. In order to have purpose and meaning, we must be working towards something powerful together and be on the same page. And you can’t do that without VISION for your marriage.
Ultimately, the new era of relationship means we dive into deep exploration within ourselves to learn and get really clear on how we’ve gotten to this place we are now, and then learning the skills we need to get us to the place in our marriage that we want to be.
It’s hard. It takes work. And most importantly, it takes a very high level of commitment to personal greatness and marriage mastery. And most people, sadly, just aren’t willing to put in the work that’s required to achieve these things. Because truth is hard to look at, especially within ourselves.
But if you desire deep change, love your partner more than anything, but you lack this sophisticated skillset and need help learning and applying it in your life – so you can get through your marital problems with ease and grace, there is SO MUCH hope for you!